“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
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🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.