My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
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this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.