I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
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A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Home is where your toilet is.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.