DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
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I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
termite twitter scares me
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.