The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
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Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Cat is stressing him out.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
me adding lol on a serious message
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
do u think theres a butter planet?
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.