[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
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My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.