If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
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To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
the icebreaker
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.