I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
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I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
A dad and his duck
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined