I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
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Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*