Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
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Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
next level snooze
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Mornin
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.