“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
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My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.