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MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
From my Mom
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya