Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
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her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Britain be like
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair