Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
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[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
The second world war should have been called world war returns
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.