Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
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Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Every time.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.