I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
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what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.