Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
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Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.