My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
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I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
This classic never gets old . . .
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!