me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
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Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion