I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
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[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.