When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
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I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think itβs time my kids learn how that shit feels
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: iβll let you no.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I scream, you scream, we all screamβ¦
This fire drill is going really badly.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Amazon: Your order has been shipβ
Me: *Track Package*
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
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[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i donβt want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: β¦
Me: hello?
IRS: iβm thinking of a number between one and jail
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and thatβs the first and last haunted house Iβll be visiting this year.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.