ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
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I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Every photo I’m tagged in
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
i wish we could shoplift online
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?