Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
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If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.