Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
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I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Möther may I have a snäck
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Yup
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.