Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
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“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.