I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
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Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean