My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
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I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017