If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
You Might Also Like
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
i hope my email finds you on fire
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.