lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
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Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
The photographer’s assistant
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.