asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
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Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?