Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
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I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
much to think about
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one