Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
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Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get