Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
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[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Happy Halloween 🎃
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”