Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
You Might Also Like
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[shakes fist at other fist]
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?