Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
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Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
The funk soul brother
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Just so funny
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on