[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
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[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*