You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
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Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.