I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
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I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes