Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
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STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
me and the Superbowl rn
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice