Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
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True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
[shakes fist at other fist]
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.