what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
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Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.