art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
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Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.