[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
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I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”