Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
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Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.