my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
You Might Also Like
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.