“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
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I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I self medicate, therefore you live.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I love it all
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!