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Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
True freaking story!
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
🤣🤣🤣
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS