[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
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the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee