*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
You Might Also Like
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha