Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
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*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
SCARY COSTUME
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I already tried new things thanks.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.